Healing Low Self-Esteem: Why It Starts With You
Low self-esteem is something almost everyone faces at some point. You read the articles, listen to podcasts, and try all the “confidence hacks,” but deep down nothing changes. That was me for years. I kept looking outside myself for the fix, only to realize the real problem was internal. Low self-esteem doesn’t come from people rejecting you. It comes from rejecting yourself first.
Most of the advice about confidence never really worked for me. People would tell me to try certain tricks, body language hacks, or mindset shifts. I tried them all, but deep down I still felt the same. The truth is that none of those things matter if you have already rejected yourself.
I felt this most clearly in dating. I would approach someone already assuming they would not like me. That self-rejection created tension and people could feel it immediately. I was fighting an uphill battle before the conversation even began. Later, I noticed the same thing at work. I would pre-judge my own efforts and reject them before anyone else could. That led me to overcompensate and overcomplicate things that were actually simple.
My first psychedelic experience showed me where this started. A memory from childhood came up. I was three or four years old and playing with my neighbor. Things got heated and I ended up throwing hot sauce in her eyes. I ran away crying and hid under my brother’s bed. Her mother came to me, yelling that I was an idiot and that her daughter might be blind because of me. I felt horrible. The medicine showed me that in that moment, to protect myself, I agreed with her. I accepted her words about me being stupid. That became a defense mechanism. If I agreed with the rejection, it felt like I could avoid worse punishment.
I carried that into my life without realizing it. At social gatherings, in relationships, at work, I would reject myself before others could. The pattern was simple: if I reject myself, then you cannot hurt me. The problem is that it hides everything there is to love about yourself.
The breakthrough came when I realized rejection itself was not the enemy. Sometimes rejection is not personal at all. I have met people I was not into, not because they were bad, but simply because I was not interested. Seeing rejection this way made it less scary. It became a ghost that only had power when I gave it power.
Healing low self-esteem for me began with awareness. I started catching myself when I was pre-judging or rejecting myself. I started practicing self-love by naming the things I actually enjoy about who I am. I love boxing. I love spirituality. I love plant medicine. These are real parts of me that I value. When I accept and love them, I feel that love reflected back from others.
If you are struggling with low self-esteem, start by asking yourself one question: are you rejecting yourself before anyone else has the chance? Healing begins when you stop being the first person to say no to who you are. Love yourself so you can show others how to love you.
Final Thoughts
Healing low self-esteem is not about mastering confidence tricks or forcing yourself to act a certain way. It is about seeing the root of the pattern and breaking it. For me, psychedelics helped uncover the childhood moment where I first internalized shame and rejection. For you, it might be journaling, therapy, meditation, or simply pausing long enough to notice the voice that rejects you before anyone else does.
When you realize that low self-esteem starts from within, you can begin to change the story. You can start loving yourself, honoring your passions, and showing up without fear. Self-love is not just a nice idea. It is the foundation of real confidence. And once you stop rejecting yourself, you open the door for others to see and love the real you.
